How Do I Let Go of a Relationship with Someone I Love and Move On!?
How do I let go of an ex or someone with whom you’ve shared a passionate and lustful relationship with? It can be difficult. In this article, I am going to go over the different types of relationships that we may encounter and why they can be so difficult to let go of. Perhaps you experienced a long-term, serious relationship, or perhaps you were in a hot and heavy relationship in which you couldn’t get enough of each other. Either way, you’ve lost your partner and you want to know how to move past this painful period.
Letting go is a selfish act that needs to be done in order to set you free. It is an incredible release that helps a person to resolve inner conflict and ultimately enjoy the feeling of freedom, confidence, and hopefully down the line, understanding along with compassion. Moving on can be one of the most difficult moments we face in our lives, especially when it comes to love. It is perfectly natural to feel anger, fear, or sadness, but you always want to make sure that you understand the reason why you are letting go of someone.
Generally speaking, when you get to this point, you already know the reasons for why you have to move on. Maybe this relationship isn’t healthy for you anymore, maybe you need to do what’s best for the kids, or maybe it’s a volatile relationship and you’ve finally escaped. All these points are valid and I know that there are many more reasons that people have for needing to let go of relationships. As we move on I am going to break down the steps you can use to start the process of letting go. Remember that you are not alone and I am always here if you need guidance and support.
Learning how to let go is important for your personal evolution
Here’s the thing, 80% of the time you instinctively know when you should move on from a relationship or a partner. It’s about how often you listen to your gut, pay attention to the signs, and really take the time, to be honest with yourself about what you’re feeling at every single moment.
If your ex left you and you tried everything in your power to get them back, you might feel that it is finally time to let go and move on. Letting go is something to take seriously if you want to set yourself free from constant thoughts of your ex-partner, fixation on memories and “what ifs”, and most importantly the feeling of not being good enough. These emotions are common when someone gave you space, left you and disappeared from your life, but giving energy to them is the same as giving control to your ex-partner. It enhances every negative emotion.
Think of it like this. You are probably reading this article because you have experienced one of these relationship factors before. The person that left you or pulled away committed a selfish act. They were the one who wanted the breakup and they were the one that wanted to be set free. So why can’t you do the same? Letting go is a selfish act that truly benefits and brings the positivity to your life that you deserve. When you choose not to let go, it can cause so many negative emotions between you and your ex-partner, and between you and new potential partners that you will meet in the future. If you don’t let go of what happened to you in a past relationship then it will just reappear in the next one for you to face and grow from. There is no better time to let go than now. There will never be a perfect time. It’s not that you will wake up one day and say, “OK, I LET GO!” It takes time, patience, and work!
Learning to let go is a step by step process
The first step in letting go is to understand that everything that you have been through is in your hands to acknowledge and take responsibility for. If you were in an unhealthy relationship in the past, placing all of the blame on the other will not help you let go. 
Placing blame is still attaching an emotion so the cord will not be cut. Instead, look at it like this: “What did I do to be in this relationship? How did I let this relationship continue and why did I let this relationship continue?” Taking the time to be completely honest with yourself. Discovering a new, truthful relationship is what you deserve. So how did you get into this relationship? What was missing in your life that lead you to believe this was a good relationship and what made you stay? These questions allow you to analyze your own actions, define any patterns, and pinpoint what should change in the future.
The second step in learning to let things go is to work on understanding without judgment, and then forgive yourself for what you may not have done to be truthful to yourself. When you look back on what the relationship was about, please don’t judge yourself for it. I encourage you to just reflect on ways in which you may have held yourself back from being your authentic self in the relationship. For example, not being open about what you truly wanted could be a reason behind why your partner disappeared. It can be multiple things, and you will be able to pinpoint them if you take the time to objectively analyze the relationship and the breakup.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Forgive yourself for being in this relationship and take it at face value. You’ve learned from this, you’re learning to move on, and you’re becoming a stronger person because of it. Now that you are taking the time to really explore this relationship, understand why it happened this way, and then forgive yourself for any mistakes, you are going to grow from it. Once you do this I can guarantee you’ll show up as a better person for your next relationship. If you do it right it might just be your last one!
The third step consists of getting back in control of the situation. You might be wondering what I mean by this? Well, we often feel that we are handing power to the other person when we let go. They influence our thoughts and they continue to be in our minds, especially when they were the ones to break up with us or disappear. So how do you regain control when this happens? What if I told you that you regain control of your mindset and activities? Now, if you’re still in contact with this past partner, you’ll need to cut the ties and stop contacting them for a while and work on developing yourself. If you are no longer in contact with this person, you can regain control by reminding yourself that they let you go. In fact, they did you a favor!
You now have a clearer picture and have the power to focus and make your life into what you’ve always wanted it to be. Just picture your ex in slow motion doing a jaw-dropped double take the next time they run into you. That’s you now! Take this time to be social, invest the time into something you are passionate about, schedule activities weekly or bi-monthly that you’ve been nervous to try out. Work out often and update your look. Become a new and improved version of the person your ex fell in love with in the first place. Now is your time because you have the control.
Fourth Step, have fun with friends and go on dates! Once you personally identify what you could have done better and are ready to go on a date with someone else, do it! If you aren’t ready then I would suggest for you to just go out with your friends and have some fun. Being around people that uplift you and make you happy and vibrant is so important when it comes to being able to move forward in life and keeping yourself occupied.
The fifth step comes in the form of Self-Care. Travel! Go for a quick getaway to a place that makes you happy! Traveling gives you that alone time that you sometimes need, and you can be in your happy place somewhere you love. This also gives you some time to just escape the normal everyday routines and clears your mind for when you get back home. Once you do this you may return back home with a new perspective and a fresh look at the truth and also feel more empowered than when you left.
How do I let go of someone who hurt me?
As you know, when someone you love hurts you it feels like a dagger straight to your heart. If you know that this relationship can’t be mended and you have no other choice other than to let go, it can feel dreadful and tiring. You’re thinking, “How do I let go?,” and you might feel as though you are having an out of body experience because of all the pain you’re in, but I am here to tell you it will not last forever. If you have been sitting on the couch watching Netflix and binge eating ice cream, now is the time to stop! 😉
It’s essential to take the time to take a step back and notice the patterns that attracted you to this person. Did you set aside some of your values or beliefs to make things work or to satisfy your partner? How honest were you with yourself? What I always suggest to clients is to write down what good and bad came out of the relationship. I would encourage you to even do a checklist so you can get a clear picture, and then reflect on the ways you may have ignored important elements and allowed things to continue. Mastering this is key so that you can break negative patterns. I wouldn’t recommend talking to your ex-partner for a while and figuring things out on your own. Silence is always the best thing when someone hurts you. By the way, it leaves them guessing and a bit of mystery never hurt anyone! It will only help you have a clearer vision of what’s to come and restore the feeling of control that was lost when your partner hurt you.
Furthermore, if you are moving on because of any physical pain that you may have endured, learning how to let go can be extremely hard. When you’ve experienced something traumatic like this in your life, you need time to heal. Do not rush it and do not think that you are less than anyone else because that’s not the truth. I hear so many men and women thinking that they may have deserved it or feel guilty for putting themselves through it. I strongly suggest for you to reach out for support and I want you to know that there is no reason to feel guilty. The strongest people sometimes experience the worst relationships. I feel so strongly about this topic because I was once there, too. I share my story on another blog that I wrote about abusive relationships. You can find more there on this sensitive topic since this is something that deserves to be mentioned and also someone to give you guidance on this sensitive topic.
I would love to hear about your progress in letting go and how you’ve seen some positive changes happen in this process in the comments below. Remember that this process is doable if you’re willing to commit and believe in it! Letting go is to set yourself free, and when you set yourself free your more open to receiving what you ultimately want and that may be true love!
Your Love Coach in letting go.
Apollonia
Apollonia Ponti, an international certified coach and founder of apolloniaponti.com. She works with men to attract the woman they desire, build confidence, master their attraction skills and helps rebuild relationships.
You can find her expert advice on “is she using me”, plus a couple other of your core professional services, through her YouTube Channel, and Attract a Woman E-Book. To get real results with women NOW! Change your life and master your attraction. Book a coaching session here.
Sign Up For Newsletter
This newsletter is here for you to be a part of my community and get to know eachother more. This newsletter will be full of valuable information for your dating, relationship, and life. Be a part of my newsletter community and get weekly advice straight to your inbox.
I let go of an unhealthy relationship. he was EU when we got together. I wasn’t truthful with myself or him. I just wanted to be a relationship so badly, we’d known each other for 34 years and i’d always wanted to be with him. I knew better, but ignored everything, as he was familiar and comfortable. I knew I would wind up probably getting hurt. biggest lessons learned, is “being happy with myself first, before I can be happy with someone else”. he’s a good man, has a lot of issues that he won’t work on and just goes from one relationship to the next. this process is painful, but I do want to experience true love. so I have to be true to me first.
Hello Margie,
So beautiful! So true as well! Not a lot of people have this clarity. You are well on your way to find love. Just remember to continue to put yourself first and value who you are every day. You got this! xoxo
Best,
Apollonia
Thank you for this article. I am just at the beginning of the letting go process and it hurts so bad. I am almost in physical pain but I know that there is no other way out for me. I am trying to let go to a relationship that is not going anywhere. I have been his support, his friend, his lover, but now he is pulling away and all get is breadcrumbs. I know I should not settle for less than I deserve, I know that I need more from him but I will not get it. Especially that I have been so honest and open in this relationship and he knows me well.
I have decided to let go because at this moment I see he is trying to protect himself, by pulling away and pushing me away. Something is broken, but he doesn’t want to talk, because he claims he can’t talk…but I am the one who feels like I am left in a small room with no air supply. And I can’t take it for long.
It’s time to let go. It hurts like hell, and I don’t know if I am that strong to keep it up with this decision. But I know that less than I got I can’t have. Because lately I got nothing. So, I must learn to focus again on me and my needs. It is a lesson I need to learn again. Frankly, I am damn scared. But willing to succeed.
Helle Mete,
Thanks for your comment. I know right now is difficult but this is a vital time for your growth. Feeling the pain and working through this will help you and you will feel comfortable as the days continue. You know what you deserve and don’t lose sight of that. Wishing you the best and you’re supported.
Best,
Apollonia
My English is not perfect. I have a friend who i liked. In the beginning she told me, that she did not like certain things. I changed my attitude. She told i was always busy when she saw me.we went on a date. She enjoyed the date. She told me. She wanted to organize a event. A helped her organize a event. Everybody knew that i love her. I want the best for her. She is unemployed. I helped her with looking for a job. When
I love SOMEONE i do not want them to depend on me. Now she test me when age feels like it. There where signs that told me not to help her. Just let her go. At the moment i am going to school and i work and am busy starting my own business. BEFORE WHE started hanging out i was already busy with that.She wants me to leave my job, because she expects more of me. I told her at this moment i can not leave my job, because i am stil studying. The last time i texted her she replied after 16 hours. I did not reply back. I felt it. Because for me of feels like i am not important anymore. A couple of times i Warned her that if you think that i likes too much i wil leave. She changed her attitude and apologize. But this i can not take. The message i sent her was to greed her. She never worked at a place to pay her bills. But her dream is to have her own business. She gets money of men buy as King them. I helped buy a couple of stuff for the event.
At the moment SOMEONE else is helping her with the event she is planning now. I am not mad over it. What i think she uses people to do things for her. Does not want to things her Self. I always showed her how to do certain things, but she does not want. I always had do it for her. Now i am not good enough anymore. I did not text her back because i have helped with a lot of things, i do not deserve to be texted back when you feel like it. What happened to me will never happen again. She took advantage of the fact that i wanted SOMEONE to talk to. I told her. Is Nice to talk to SOMEONE about your feeling.
Hello Betrouw,
I would give her space and give yourself time away from her. I would not quit your job either. That is important for your life. She seems to be controlling and you have to do the best for you. Stay focused and I would not talk to her for about 30 days.
Best,
Apollonia
Hello, I recently had a girl that I like and I want to date and she broke up with me because she said that I am a judgmental person. This is the third time that I offended someone because I cannot control my emotions. That girl is keeping on seeing or ignoring my messages before which made me clueless. So I said to her that you are a cold person and I found out from her that she is so busy in her job nowadays which I didn’t know. If she said that to me before then I can have another chance to pursue her even if she is far away.
Now, I feel very bad for myself because I didn’t control my emotions and I feel like I am not matured enough. Now, it’s a bit hard for me to move on but I think for the side of her, it’s on her maturity too so if a person even if she is busy then she will still keep in touch but for the part of her, she is already ignoring my messages even before.
Hello John,
I know this can be difficult but the only way to get through this is by putting yourself first and showing up as the best person you can be for you. Thank starts with loving yourself. If you need guidance through this please book a session here with me as I can assist. https://www.apolloniaponti.com/private-coaching-2/
Best,
Apollonia
Apollonia,
Hello thank you for all you are doing. I had Met this beautiful woman and we exchange numbers. I waited three days and decided to text her at first no response she told me in the past that she is very busy . So two weeks go by and I called her leaving a voice mail no response a week later, I get to work my boss pulls me to the side and told me that this woman is not interested and she would like for you to stop contacting her. I was in disbelief because my boss tells me to to stop contacting her and I was like to my boss hold on min why she could not tell me that herself she gave me her number and I only contacted her twice. So Apollonia can you tell me what I did wrong?
Hello Jarred,
If this is exactly what happened I don’t believe you did anything wrong. Especially if you weren’t calling her all day long or all the time. Sometimes people don’t know how to handle things and I believe that it’s just best to not show that it phased you and simply move past it as if nothing happened.
Best,
Apollonia
Hi, Apollonia. I have just been through a 9 year on and off relationship with a beautiful woman. It was not till I moved in with her 4 years ago that I realised she had an alcahol problem and became increasingly more abusive untill I finally moved out. Then she convinced me things had changed and moved in with me the year of hell towords the end she became violent with increasingly psycotic episodes. Finally I had to give her 2 months to move out. I spent weeks with virtually sleepless nights. The trouble is the other 50 percent of the time they are this wonderful kind caring person that you fell in love with. The trouble is I still work with this person who is once again a kind cosiderate person, the episodes were always at nights or weekends. She is getting in my head again and I am struggling to clear tis cycle of negative thoughts even though I am a strong physical and independant persi.
Hi Jarrod,
Thanks for your comment and reading this blog about how do I let go of someone I love. I know this is a very difficult situation that you have been in but you need to find who Jarrod is again. When you encounter any type of abusive relationship you start to lose the relationship to yourself. I would cut off all communication with her and try not to contact her at work. She is the only one that can fix this as this is a learned behavior she had in her life and is passing on to you. You have to choose to let go as hard as it will be and put yourself first. Sometimes love is not enough. I encourage you to books a session with me here https://www.apolloniaponti.com/private-coaching-2/mso I can help guide you.
Best,
Apollonia
Hello, am Kelvin, am in a relationship with a girl who is supportive, she is even more closer to my family, she does everything for me, she even encourages me to get a job but sometimes i feel I want to do things on my own, when i try she is not okay with it, she want things to be done the way she wants, now she said she want to take a break with me, i dont know what to do but i still love her very much, now i feel like am lost. sometimes i feel like letting her go because am not supportive. please help.
I have no friends and no family that will help me, i absolutely have no place to go. I dont have any income and I’m afraid i wont be able to make it by myself. I don’t know what to do anymore.
My boyfriend and I broke up a due to a lot of outside factors affecting our mental and emotional health. We both wanted to be together, but there came a time when we realized that if we kept dating without taking the time to sort through our problems on our own, our relationship itself would become unhealthy as well. I had even become very emotionally dependent on him. It’s been a couple months since we broke up, and we’re still adjusting, but it’s so hard. We’re both in college living in the same dorm, we have the same friend group, and we both still care about each other. We decided to keep the future open to the possibility of getting back together, but I don’t want to get my hopes up, because I don’t know if we will, and that scares me to death. I need help letting go of him so that I can focus on getting myself sorted out, but I love him so much and I don’t want to lose him.
7 years & suddenly ‘poof’ gone, cleared the house & took the kids while I was out. 13 weeks later she is dating other folks acting like a 17 year old without a care in thw world while I work & have our kids. I’m a complete crying jumbled mess. It hurts something fierce to think she chooses to be out drinking with strangers than home with her family. I hate my life!
Hi, I have been in a situation for 2 years. The guy has his child’s mother believing that they are in a relationship but he’s taking me places and we have talked about being together. It’s like he’s scared that his son’s mother will take his son away if he left her. Anyway I told him that I refuse to be anyone’s 2nd choice, I refuse to allowing him in and out of my life, I don’t deserve to feel like I’m an option. I am about to be 34 and he’s 34, no mire games, no more back and forth. I also told him today that I have to let him go because he doesn’t know what/who he wants. I told him that I love him and that I am in love with him but I will not continue to allow him to make me feel this way. Yes I want to ball up and cry and it hurts me because deep down inside I know he can’t resist me or leave me alone because we bith have this chemistry and compatibility, it’s hard to explain. I have done the no contact several times, months would go by and here he comes either through a text, a call or we’ll run into each other in public. 2 years is a long enough time to know whether or not a person wants to be in a relationship or not. He wants to be with me I know but he can’t fully be with me like I want him to be. So I’m not going to continue to wait. I’m going to take care of me and improve on myself. I did ask him why he doesn’t just marry her and he’s told me that he will cheat on her. I don’t understand guys. Well him lol. Bottone line is I know what I want and that is to be married one day and I can stay single until that man for me comes. It just seems so hard nowadays. Pray for me, my well being. And thank you for this beneficial knowledge and advice. Thank you.
This is a story about who i thought was my soulmate. 20 years ago I taught at a foreign university for 1 year and had many students. That was then and I moved back to Canada and continued on with my life….. have since got married and had kids. During this time I had always felt like something was missing and empty but I couldn’t place it. Two years ago, one of my students from 20 years ago contacted me and from the moment we connected via text and phone calls there was a connection. A connection like no other, a deeper spiritual, more profound connection. It seemed to me like that emptiness inside me faded away… we were in touch everyday and it felt like we were the same person, same thoughts, just different bodies…… Through this I am still happily married. Long story short last summer I went away and we met for 2 days after 20 years…. He seemed to show a lot more feeling and happiness in person but still kept his distance and showed alot of respect. We both felt like we were destined to meet and that we were perhaps soulmates and that we would continue on with our friendship. I came back and for a month he was very very connected and available and then all of a sudden he said I was married and he couldnt, and put a lot of distance between us….I explained that we can remain as friends and that would be fine. He disappears for a month and then writes to me…… and again disappears for another period of time and writes…… … I feel like he is now controlling my thoughts and emotions and that I am just a game to him now…. But I also think he knows I’m married and have kids and he doesn’t want to ruin my marriage and he realised his feelings when he saw me and now he is trying to keep away.
I feel sad because I feel like I lost my soulmate… and I find it so hard to heal because like I said this person knew my exact thoughts, the way I am, he just got me…. we didnt have to write to talk and he knew exactly what I was going through and me of him aswell. How do you heal from this?? How do you stay strong when you feel like your soul is divided in two?
Hi Aria
I found your story on here and it resonated with me. I hope you’ve managed to find some closure over the past few months. If so i’d love to hear how.
I’m married, with kids, but (wrongly I agree) have become emotionally invested in a younger work colleague who was going through a tough time. They leant on my shoulder, and i admit that i have a soft spot for them. We have such a bond. So much in common. So much we agree on. Like your story we instinctively know when the other person needs help or a shoulder to cry on. She declared she wanted someone like me. In fact, me, and that the years between us don’t matter and that made me believe. However, once they had left their relationship and moved into temporary accommodation, I noticed our friendship started to decline until the point i felt i was chasing it. She would get really close to me for a couple of weeks then back off like nothing had ever happened to the point i felt i needed to challenge it. It was then she asked to leave her alone for a while whilst she cleared her head, but I know she continues to see her ex. Now she is in more permanent accommodation i wonder what will happen – I suspect she’ll never look back but I care about her a lot. It hurts because i feel like I was enticed into a situation that I didn’t think i wanted or needed until it was there, and once i let my head and more importantly my heart believe in it, it feels like she’s stolen it back away. I think she’s confused over what she wants, i also think she seems the enormity of disrupting a family, and i do think she cares about me, but I have felt pushed out back to my old life and that our friendship has been sacrificed through no fault of mine. We don’t really talk now out of work, which is hard for me because it was a big part of my life for a few months. My heart wants to continue the friendship but my head tells me to stop and appreciate the family I have. I guess the only way we can move on is knowing that we have that bond with someone else (i keep telling myself that this is an incredible thing to have found on this planet) and that no matter what that kinship needs to be embraced and cherished. We are at different times of our lives than our suitors, to imagine a long term romance with someone so young is not feasible, but to imagine a long term, close friendship with her is something i would cherish for the rest of my life. Its a cliché, but it’s a day at a time at the moment. It’s like a break up but with the added complication that there’s already someone else on the scene who I’m married to and dependants who need me to stay alive! I do love her, I confess i was probably ‘in love’ with her, i will always care about her, and i will always wonder ‘what if’. I’ve never been a true believer in fate, but if it does exist, and we’re meant to be together in whatever guise then that will happen. Until then I’m trying to get up, paint a smile on, work, go to bed, and repeat until this was just another phase of my life. I am after all the ‘grown up’ in this and should lead by example – as hard as it is.